Conquering the Cockroach

6 Jan

There is a creature that is feared throughout the world. It has existed since time began (ish) and can survive nuclear attacks. It can live without food or water for months, and a week without its head. If you think about crushing it, it will simply spray its eggs so it can begin all over again (in thousands).

There’s always a downside to living in sunny climes, and this creature would definitely be one of them. We’d been living in our temporary apartment for almost a month when we returned home one evening to find an enormous black cockroach exploring a corner of the kitchen ceiling. We didn’t have anything to spray the blighter with so I took the next best action – ran and hid around the corner whilst hubby was left to scoop it up in a paper cup.

When I stop and think about it, it’s not a hugely rational fear. They cannot bite or sting, and although they can carry bacteria, generally this can be fixed with some bleach spray and a mop. But the Bermudian ones can fly (quite unbelievable given their size), and I’ve never been a huge fan of flying insects after a bee got stuck in my hair age 7. In fact, even as I write this, part of my brain tortures me with thoughts that they could be scuttling around behind my back, perhaps reading this over my shoulder and chucking to themselves at their power over a comparatively big human creature in some sort of pantomime-esque charade (“we’re behind you!” they chorus! Please, please say “Oh no they’re not”!)

The fact is, these creatures are here to stay and I need to come to terms with that. So for some self-induced therapy, I’ve created a five step programme to Conquer The Cockroach:

If only the Bermudian cockroaches were as entertaining as Joey, Dee Dee and Marky

1. Being by watching some episodes of the cartoon Oggy and the Cockroaches. Imagine that the real life cockroaches are as entertaining as Oggy’s companions: Joey, Dee Dee and Marky. After all, can creatures named after The Ramones really be that bad?
2. If a cockroach ventures in, attempt to form a bond – perhaps ask him how his day was. If he hisses in reply, repeat step 1.
3. Consider the cockroach an inspirational role model – adaptable, tenacious, hard-working and a great team player – sharing its find of crumbs/food leftovers with his many, many friends. Imagine what you could learn from such a creature!
4. Do not google “Bermuda cockroaches” in a bit to identify their weaknesses and subsequently outwit the critters. Instead what you will find is stories punctuated by multiple exclamation marks about people who have woken up to find one on their pillow!!!! Or about someone’s uncle’s brother’s friend’s colleague who was hit in the eye by one whilst driving his scooter and became temporarily blind!!!!
5. When pondering how to get rid of a visiting cockroach consider removing it from the home humanely. There, you considered it and are now a stronger person! Now get hold of that insect spray and drown it in toxic fumes.

I apologise to anyone reading who feels we should embrace all of God’s creatures. You are a better person than I – but I’m working on it!


9 Responses to “Conquering the Cockroach”

  1. Nic 6 January, 2011 at 8:26 am #

    Maybe you could be the ambassador for Bermudas first Cockroach Sanctuary. No? Yeah, don’t blame you.

    • suscatty 6 January, 2011 at 10:49 am #

      Hi Nic

      haha, perhaps something to aspire to though? Perhaps if there were a sanctuary they wouldn’t try and get in your house! 🙂 x

  2. Rosemary 6 January, 2011 at 8:34 am #

    I once spent a very long evening in a dodgy hostel in Borneo chasing what seemed like an army of cockroaches around a very small and dingy room. In the end it turned out to be just one, incredibily quick little blighter. After 3 hours of trying to chase and get rid of it/them, as any self-respecting, India-hardened backpacker should be able to do, I gave in and let it have the room and moved to a different one!

    • suscatty 6 January, 2011 at 10:53 am #

      You are a braver lady than I – I don’t think I would even have attempted to chase it, I would have just run out of the hotel! Love the idea of the roach having the room to himself though – kicking back and watching some TV! x

  3. Ameera 6 January, 2011 at 10:12 am #

    The entry about the ‘THINGS’ 😀 I have an irrational fear of the flying ones!

    An extra way to come to terms with it (perhaps), is to feel pity for the cockroach for it has a very cruel enemy indeed! A deceivingly bright sparkly blue/green insect (not sure what it’s called in english) that paralyses the cockroach, lay eggs on it …the cockroach being the food for the larvae.

    How do you fare with lizards?

    • suscatty 6 January, 2011 at 11:12 am #

      I’m trying to feel pity Ameera, I really am…! 😉 I don’t think we have that blue/green insect here (although I’m already a fan – cockroach killer and sparkly to boot!) but we do have lots of lizards which I’m more than happy to have scamping round as they are rather cute. We also have HUGE toads that apparently eat cockroaches – perhaps I need to get one as a pet! x

  4. resa 6 January, 2011 at 10:23 am #

    Hi Su
    I am with you on this one Yeeuch!!!!! Keep up the blog, Very entertaining,
    love and hugs xx

    • suscatty 6 January, 2011 at 11:13 am #

      Thanks Resa, bless you for reading! At least when it’s chilly at home you can relax in the knowledge that there are definitely no roaches scuttling around in your kitchen! 🙂 x


  1. The Birds and the Beasties « Dog or Affair - 19 May, 2011

    […] If you read my Conquering the Cockroach post, you’ll know how I feel about these creatures. They might not sting or bite, but they can […]

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