Lopsided Hamster Disco

11 Jan

Last week my left cheek decided to swell up, leaving me looking like a lopsided hamster. After a few days of carting around my enlarged face, and increasing amounts of pain, Rich decided I really needed to go to the doctors.

It was a little strange having to give debit card details when checking in with the receptionist (there’s only private healthcare here in Bermuda) but otherwise it was a normal surgery set up, with heavy duty lino, a selection of celebrity magazines circa 2008 and old chairs that looked like they’d been loaned from the community hall.

However, when I went in to see the doctor it was a little different. My experience of doctor’s surgeries in the UK is that they are quite a sombre affair, with not much in the way of entertainment (perhaps buskers are missing a trick here, as there’s quite a captive audience in a doctor’s waiting room). I suppose the more avant-garde surgeries may risk breaking rank by playing Classical Chillout or Dido’s Greatest Hits on the Pan Pipes. What they probably wouldn’t be playing though are disco classics such as Knock on Wood, and Da Doo Ron Ron Ron.

Was Bermuda trialling a new kind of music therapy? (Shimmy off those Shingles! Conga away your back pain!) Or perhaps it was a test to see how ill patients actually are? I couldn’t even manage a toe tap, let alone throw down my handbag and start dancing round it, which meant I was very, very poorly indeed.

As the doctor began his consultation, I half expected a trio of sequin-dipped ladies with big hair to appear and sing along in between his questions:

Is the pain in your cheek or along your jaw?
(Da doo ron ron ron, da doo ron ron)
Would you say it’s intermittent or is it constantly sore?
(Da doo ron ron ron, da doo ron ron)

Sadly there wasn’t even a glitter ball.

After paying the $100 bill for my 10 minutes with Dr Disco I picked up my antibiotics and wallowed in self-pity on the sofa, until the pain decided to get so unbearable that a phone call with the surgery advised us to go to the Emergency Room.

As we trudged up to the hospital entrance I felt rather embarrassed at having to go to the Emergency department with just a painful puffy cheek, rather than a semi-detached limb or a bloody rag tied around my head like they have every week in Casualty. Thankfully Casualty doesn’t actually resemble real life, as everyone else in the waiting area looked quite normal as well.

The hospital doctor diagnosed me with cellulitis. An image of my cheek circled in a future edition of Heat magazine shot through my mind, before the doc explained this was not the same as cellulite, but instead an infection in the tissue in my cheek. This explained why I wanted to rip the left side of my face off, as the infection had spread and, quite frankly, was a mean one. I had an injection to help with the pain which was wonderful and I was ready to spend the weekend skipping and singing until it wore off at 2.30am and I cried at the injustice of it all.

I’m pleased to say though that by Monday night the pain was now becoming just a dull one. Dr Disco even rang to see how I was feeling! Now that’s what I call music a healthcare service!


5 Responses to “Lopsided Hamster Disco”

  1. Aunty Shal 11 January, 2011 at 10:20 am #

    Oh Suz you poor thing, hope you’re feeling better now. As an NHS employee thought your experience of Dr Disco was highly amusing lots of love Aunty Shal xx

    • suscatty 11 January, 2011 at 3:03 pm #

      Thanks Aunty Shal, am feeling much, much better now and my face looks almost normal again! Well, as normal as it usually looks anyway 🙂 xx

  2. Lucy 13 January, 2011 at 10:55 pm #

    Awww poor hammy!! I had no idea you were that unwell, you should’ve said and I’d have bought some grapes round or something! At least that way you could have put loads in your mouth and created a matching cheek…xxx

    • suscatty 14 January, 2011 at 9:09 am #

      Haha, that made me laugh! Thankfully both cheeks match again now without fruit aids! 🙂 x


  1. Tweets that mention Lopsided Hamster Disco « Dog or Affair -- Topsy.com - 11 January, 2011

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Rich Cumbers. Rich Cumbers said: RT @SuScatty: Today's blog post "Lopsided Hamster Disco" – https://dogoraffair.wordpress.com/2011/01/11/lopsided-hamster-disco/ […]

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